The In-between Girl

I've reached an all new breaking point. For the most part, things are going well. It's just a lot of little moments that have added up through the years, and now I'm just in a place where it's hard to show people I care. Mainly, because I don't know how.

Once I think I've found it, it's shown to me that it's not enough. It never was, and never will be.

Never in my life will I say I'm perfect. I've made a lot of mistakes, big ones and little ones. So I guess, in a way I deserved what happened, and in a way I guess it saved me from some hurt. But none of that changes how I'm feeling now. None of it changes I've reached my breaking point.

You see.. I've had incredible problems with committing to people. And once this was shown to me, very harshly by my best friend, I decided to do something about it. I changed myself and said the next chance I get, if it feels right, and I'm confident I wouldn't give up, I'd take it. No doubt, no question.

So here comes this guy innocently trotting into my life. It takes me awhile to fall for him, but eventually I realize this is the guy that I want to commit to. The only guy I felt sure of that I could belong to for a long time.

He soon told me he liked me too. That he really wants to see where our relationship could go.

But of course, something has to go wrong. Apparently, this guy really ticks off TN. For no REAL reason. So that puts a huge, HUGE gap between our friendship, and things between this guy and me get put on hold for awhile.

After days of talking and crying and fighting for my chance... TN tells me that DG [the guy] is the perfect way for it to show that I really care about him. Basically, "Give him up, and I'll trust you, have faith in you, and believe you really care about me."

So, I threw away my chance with DG. I told him what TN said.. And I told him that even though I didn't want to give him up, I had to. He said he understood and would miss me.

I kind of resent TN for making me choose. But then again, I gave DG up so we could work on our friendship, so I'm trying not to resent him.

Even though he wasn't part of my life anymore, DG kept leaving me messages, and telling me he still thought about me. I missed him so bad. So I kept fighting for him. Fighting for a chance I didn't even know if I still had.

Once TN started cluing in how much it was hurting me.. I asked him to ask DG if he really missed me. He said his response was "I'm gone. Isn't that what you wanted?"

-.- Well.. TN lied to me. And I caught him red handed. That wasn't DG immediate response (Though TN says he Did eventually say that) But his honest response, was "Yes... I miss talking to her" or.. something like that.. I can't quite remember.. Either way. He said yes. And TN hid that from me. Knowing full well I wanted the Truth.

So, where am I now?

I see through the magical Facebook, that DG has gotten very close with another girl. Who, he was hanging out with while he was telling me he wanted so badly to be with me.

-Looks down- .. I was just his in-between girl.

See, it's nothing big. But just a bunch of little things have added up... And I'm so sick of boys. Sick of being lied to. Sick of being played. Sick of being just another girl. I really, really cared about him. And I meant so little to him...

I keep dreaming about him. It sucksss. It's not enough that he's 70% of my thoughts during the day, but my subconscious just has to think of him too, doesn't it? >.>

I put him up to be a turning point in my life, the chance I had been looking for to make myself a better person... So I guess it's partially my fault.. I put too much in him, too much on him. So much, that it's my breaking point.

I don't want anyone anymore. I have absolutely no desire to be with anyone right now. That's how sick I am of males. Maybe that'll fade within days, I dunno. I can never know how I'll feel in the future. I just think it's amazing how one person can effect your life so much, without even knowing it.

Enh. Just a rant. Don't have many people I can do that with anymore.

Take care everyone..